A History of Thanos’ Embarrassing Defeats

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It’s been a while since Infinity War, and Marvel already has another movie in theaters, so I think it’s safe to talk about the film’s conclusion.

Something unprecedented happened at the end of Infinity War – something totally unreal, strange, and never before seen; something that left my jaw agape in surprise.

Thanos actually won for once? Like, that never happens. Seriously, Thanos is as much a perpetual loser as Charlie Brown. He’s a failure who sucks at accomplishing anything, ever. It’s weird as hell, and I don’t know what to do about it. So I thought I’d walk you guys through Thanos’ history with this list of his embarrassing failures and defeats.

We’re going to look at how everyone from the Silver Surfer to Squirrel Girl obliterated this guy in a string of failures so profound and numerous that it makes the US Housing Industry look like the Gold Standard. But to understand Thanos’ many…many…many failures, we have to start way back at the beginning.

                                      Source: tmstash.com

Chapter One: Thanos is Defeated by Life

Thanos was born an Eternal on the planet Titan, where a genetic condition known as deviant syndrome caused him to be huge and purple and all bumpy-chinned.

His mother responded in totally fashion by immediately trying to  murder him, but he survived and became a precocious child with violent impulses. Then he met a flirty girl who encouraged his violence and drove him to ever greater acts of revenge.

After Thanos spent some time pillaging around the galaxy, he fell in love. When he made his desire known, the girl told him that the only way they could be together was for Thanos to track down the many women he’d been with – and the children he’d sired – and kill them all. Thanos complied, then realized that his mystery woman was the avatar of Death itself. This drove him insane and left him with his famous obsession and his Mad Titan status.

Lesson Thanos Should Have Learned: Don’t  fall in love with someone without first asking their name and whether they’re a specter of death.

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