So, I saw Batman v Superman Thursday night as early as possible, praying in my heart of hearts that I'd love it and I could write a nice, positive article about it.
Yeah"¦That didn't happen. Someone else here at the site wrote an "in defense of" article and if you don't want to read an aggressively negative review, go read that one. But I'm angry, and, unlike most people, I have a platform to vent on this.
Now, I feel I should right up front be honest with you guys: I really really hated Man of Steel. Like, I thought Man of Steel was the cinematic equivalent of a garbage fire, and I would rather endure an appendectomy twice over than ever subject myself to viewing it again. Man of Steel is a Superman film by and for people who hate Superman. I haven't seen a worse misunderstanding of a character since"¦well, I was going to say since Batman and Robin, but Batman and Robin actually was less offensive as a film.
"¦
There, are they gone? All the "if you say bad things about a movie I like, I'mma send you death threats and mean, poorly spelled comments" people, the manchildren; have they gone off to send me mean comments and death threats?
Good.
Now I can just talk to you guys, the people who: A. Agree with me about the extremely low quality of these movies; or B. Like both movies, but are actual adults who understand that me not liking a movie is by no means a condemnation of you or your taste. If you like the movie, awesome, I'm happy for you. I wanted to like it too, but I found myself unable to. Here's why.
Source: hngn.com
10. More Dreary Sadness
So I actually factually got a migraine halfway through this movie. I get them on an infrequent basis, so I don't THINK the movie caused it. But thankfully for me migraines are worsened by bright lights and colors and I was sitting through this movie, which has neither.
BvS continues on the color palate MOS established. That being grey, dark dark blue, and black. And I guess dark crimson washed out with grey.
A friend who I saw the film with said it looked like it was in sepia tone. When I originally wrote that last sentence, I didn't type "said", I typed "sad" because the subconscious effect this movie has on me is impressive.
BvS is self-serious to the point of being self-fellating. It can't bare to poke fun at itself, other than in a number of "jokes" you can count on your fingers, all of which feel like they were written by an angsty 13-year-old. But then, so does the rest of the movie.
Source: tvguide.com
9. It’s a Mess of a Movie
There's an old story about Walt Disney; he wanted to leave a bunch of Orange Trees standing in the center of Disneyland, so he marked the ones he wanted to keep with green ribbons and all the ones he wanted taken down with red. But the bulldozer driver was colorblind, so he cut down the wrong set of trees. That is the greatest metaphor for how this movie was edited that exists in this world.
Half the scenes in this movie feel completely unnecessary, and it seems that key moments got cut out. A solid ten minutes are dream sequences, one of which was essentially an after-credits scene shoved into the center of the film like rancid cream in an expired Oreo.
The pacing is nightmarish. Any screenwriter will be reduced to angry tears by the third act in itself which lasts a full hour and is entirely fight scenes. We show scenes, cut away from them for ten minutes, and then we cut back and pick up exactly where the first scene left off.
The scene at the grave where Character A drops dirt onto Character B's coffin apparently takes place over the course of weeks? Is"¦is that vague enough to avoid spoilers?
Source: comicbook.com
8. It’s Embarrassingly Overcrowded
Will someone please tell Zach Snyder that after-credits scenes aren't supposed to be shoved into the third act?
But seriously, though, BvS makes the baffling decision to murder the pacing of the third act with an honest to goodness trailer for Justice League. We get appearances from the best character in the movie, who I'll talk about later, followed by one from angry beard-y water guy, speedy stupid hair guy, and scream-y poorly CG-d robot guy. Can't wait for those solo movies.
Also, I love that these are apparently secret Lexcorp files, yet each one has their own professionally made logo. Plus, we get the utterly confusing to non super-fans dream sequence where Batman is just shooting people, parademons (which admittedly look pretty cool) show up, and we get a Flash cameo that is as baffling as it is poorly animated. The Flash TV series has better CGI.
Also, really? Pistol wielding Batman? Is it 1996 again? Having Batman use a gun, even in a nightmare sequence should get you booted from ever touching the character again.
And Snyder is in charge of Justice League. God, can we get one of those vaguely annoying hashtag campaigns to stop that? #NoJusticeForSnyder maybe?
Someone get on that.
Source: movieweb.com
7. The Best Character is the One Whose Name isn’t in the Title
Wonder Woman totally steals what is left of this movie to steal. Her appearance in costume was the only "aw, hell, yeah" moment that actually excited me.
Seeing her kick butt and take names, especially with that lasso of truth, that was fantastic.
See, I am being positive about this movie! I liked a thing about it! I am excited for her solo movie! I think it'll be good!
I really wanted to like this movie, you guys. Any moment of goodness, I clung to with zeal and hope. And Wonder Woman, both in and out of costume, was wonderful. I just wish everything else had been as good as she was.
If that were the case, this list would be "10 things I super totally loved about BvS," instead of whatever title I eventually agreed on for this article. I'll figure one out eventually but it's one thirty in the morning right now, and I was at Wondercon all day. But yeah, Wonder Woman=bestest ever.
Source: comicbookmovie.com
6. Eisenberg is Legit Terrible
Transitioning from best to worst, we have Jessie Eisenberg's holy $#!?-ingly awful performance that would be at home in a Schumacher Batman film.
HE (spoiler alert) LEAVES A JAR OF PEE ON A SENATOR'S DESK. That is the dumbest, most juvenile, thing I have ever seen in a movie that wasn't aimed at literal children. His nerdy manic Lex Luthor is Kylo Ren, but without any of the cleverness or intelligence that made Kylo Ren work.
After the second or third Luthor scene, I must've looked pretty upset, because the complete stranger next to me nudged me and asked "Dude, is everything ok?" That was maybe twenty minutes into the movie.
Also, all my friends and I have been shouting "ding ding ding ding ding ding!" at each other with frightening regularity, and the two people I saw it with (plus me) all burst out laughing when Eisenberg started dinging on screen.
It's like DC saw Marvel ruin Ultron in Avengers 2 last year and thought "we can do worse."
Oh, and he also has NO MOTIVATION FOR ANYTHING HE DOES OR WHY! NONE WHATSOEVER.
Source: Dc.wikia.com
5. The Stories it’s Trying to Adapt are Completely Wrongheaded
This movie draws its plot from two comics that I am quite honestly done with: The Dark Knight Returns and The Death of Superman. And let's be perfectly honest here, neither one holds up especially well.
DKR was a story that could only have ever worked in the 1980s, or when the reader is between 13 and 17 years of age. Provided that those conditions are met, it's pretty darn good. I like DKR, but I'm sooooooooo sick of it being the only Batman story anyone wants adapted into live action cinema.
Batman: Year One is better. Batman: Strange Apparitions is better Batman: Mad Love is better. Court of Owls is better. I'd personally call Long Halloween better.
Plus, Snyder directly cited DKR as why Batman kills and uses guns in BVS. Ummmmmm, has he actually READ DKR?
Source: wired.com
Also, Doomsday and some late plot points come from the Death of Superman, which I won't give the courtesy of being called good. Because it isn't. DoS was made as a way to waste a year of time until Superman was allowed to get married. That's true!
There's a great documentary on the Superman: Doomsday DVD about the history of the project that acknowledges how mediocre it is. Doomsday is a plot device, not a character, the story is all action and no development, and it is ridiculously overlong.
I don't get why everyone is obsessed with these two stories, but hopefully this terrible amalgamation of the two means we'll never have to see any aspect of DKR or DoS onscreen ever again. Thank Christ.
Source: screencrush.com
4. Superman is Characterless
HUGE, MAJOR SPOILERS FOR BvS, SERIOUSLY, DON'T READ ANY MORE OF THIS ENTRY AND SKIP TO THE NEXT ONE IF YOU DON'T WANT THE ENDING MAJORLY SPOILED FOR YOU. WARNING YOU NOW.
Superman's characterization in this film appears to be "stares at things". The only character arc he goes through is from living to dead.
When I talked about how it felt like this movie was a total disservice to Superman, a friend who liked the movie slightly more than I did responded, "Well, it's not really his movie."
"¦
HIS NAME IS IN THE #*$ING TITLE!!! God forgive me if I wanted to see some characterization for Superman in Batman v SUPERMAN.
Admittedly, Man of Steel was much much worse to the character than this was, but just because bad is better than terrible don't make it good.
Look, I've given up on getting a good Superman movie out of this franchise. When they killed him off at the end, all I could think was that they were putting the character out of his misery finally. Good night, sweet prince, hopefully they’ll leave you in the ground.
Source: screenrant.com
3. Batman is a Straight-Up Murderer
Big surprise, Zach Snyder still doesn't get that superheroes don't murder people. I for one am shocked. This is my shocked face.
In the course of this film, Batman uses the Batmobile and Batwing to blow up numerous vehicles, undoubtedly murdering the people inside, he breaks people's necks and literally stabs a dude with a knife. He also BRANDS PEOPLE.
I"¦I don't even…you guys.
And again, there's the dream sequence where Batman is just shooting people. Yeah, it's a dream sequence, but let's all be perfectly honest with each other: it's only there so Snyder could justify his creepy desire for a gun toting Batman.
BATMAN'S PARENTS WERE MURDERED. IT RUINED HIS LIFE. THAT IS THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE CHARACTER. SO HIM DECIDING TO BECOME A MURDERER GOES AGAINST THE POINT OF BATMAN SO HARD THAT BILL FINGER AND BOB KANE ROLLED OVER IN THEIR GRAVES.
2. It’s Just Really Dumb
MAJOR SPOILERS AGAIN, MOVE ALONG, MOVE ALONG, NOTHING TO SEE HERE.
So let's talk about the turning point in this movie, the one where our two characters learn to work together. Do you know what it is?
As Batman is about to murder Superman, upping his body count to at least five people, if not more, that hour, Superman chokes out his mother's name, "Martha" and Batman recoils in confusion because"¦HIS MOM'S NAME IS MARTHA, TOO.
This is what we in the comics criticism community refer to as "dumb".
And yeah, you heard me right, the flashpoint to the unification of these two characters is basically "What'd you just say about my mom?" But the whole movie is like that.
Lex Luthor knows things he has no way of knowing, as does Superman, as does Batman. People just happen to find things through convenience and the film is permeated by an overall layer of dumb.
Some fanboys have accused critics of not being "smart enough" for the movie, which makes me laugh. You'd have to be a meerkat dropped at birth for this movie to be too intelligent for you.
It's ok if you like it, I myself like a lot of stupid things, but this is by no means a smart movie. It's a very dumb movie. It's not the dumbest superhero movie out there, but it ain't Winter Soldier, either, if y'know what I mean.
1. It’s Hopeless
Not just the movie, which is…yeah, dull, and without any sense of fun or hope, but the review you're reading right now is hopeless. Go find the comments on this article. Seriously, take a look. Odds are a couple/ a lot of them are aggressive and hate filled and directed at me and the site.
Now, I personally don't care; I don't really read the comments on my articles (sorry, I've got another article to write) but those comments, they don't make us comic book fans look good. Sending death threats to reviewers, or accusing them of being paid off, is not only SUPER #&%*ing stupid, it's also embarrassing.
It's ok that people disagree with you. That shouldn't make you upset. It shouldn't make you angry or mean or death-threat-y.
Look, you've read this far, so odds are that you probably agree with me about the movie. But if you're that rare rational guy or gal who disagrees but read all the way to this point, anyway, first of all, thank you for listening, and second of all, I'm sure we agree on, like, a lot of things. This is just one on which we don't. But that's ok.
After all, it's just a movie, it ain't worth getting all worked up over. Despite the fact that I kinda totally did just that. Whoops.
Well, I'm gonna go look forward to Suicide Squad. I'm still excited for that one.
