So, a couple weeks back, I broke out an old Marvel Handbook and went over the most insane characters featured within. If'n ya want, you can read that one HERE.
That column did SHOCKINGLY well, so I feel justified in doing another one. And probably a bunch more (Plus, when I get a chance to go grab my issues of Who's Who out of storage, I can do a DC edition; won't that be fun?). But for now, here's the weirdest Marvel characters, K-M edition.
MARVEL TARZAN. MARZAN? I'mma gonna go with Marzan.
Ka-Zar started life as British child Kevin Plunder before his father (amazingly named Lord Plunder) dragged him to the Savage Land. The Savage Land is a landmass (sometimes an island, sometimes not) near or in Antarctica, where prehistoric creatures still live. So Kevin eventually found his way to a relationship with a vicious sabertooth tiger named Zabu, who took care of him.
He grew up into pretty much literally Tarzan – if Tarzan had to fight dinosaurs regularly. So, better than Tarzan. Ka-Zar is incredibly seldom used, mostly just whenever other Marvel characters visit the Savage Land.
God, he should just start charging for tours at this point. He could sell hats. And dinosaur-themed beverages. And – hang on, I gotta go write this down, I think I have a Marvel pitch in the works.
Yes, Klaw was in a Marvel movie. Yes, he'll probably totally be in Black Panther. But he won't look like THAT (points up at photo) so I don't care.
Klaw has maybe the doofiest looking costume in comics. And I love it so much.
Klaw was originally a physicist named Ulysses Klaw, because of course he was. For his experiments in sound technology, he needed Vibranium. So Klaw headed to Wakanda, vowing to murder anyone in his way. And he did wind up murdering Black Panther's father T'Chaka, although he does lose a hand in the process. He built himself a ridiculous radar dish/sound cannon hand, and headed straight back to Wakanda to do some more murderin'. He failed, and wound up turning himself into a being of living sound in the process.
Klaw fought the Fantastic Four and Avengers on a semi-regular basis, until he went after Dazzler and she turned him into light and shot him into space. Effectively owning his ass so hard, Klaw has never lived it down. Oh, Klaw, you're so very lame, but that's why I love you so much.
Sorry, sorry, hang on, let me just"”heehee"”let me just relax and I'll talk about this thing.
Ok, ok, I'm good. Kofi is the dumbest looking thing I've ever seen.
Lord Kofi Whitemane (which sounds like the name an eleven-year-old girl would give her favorite toy horse) was the alien brother of the horse alien creature that gave the Power Pack their superpowers. And yeah, Power Pack pretty much got their powers the same way the Animorphs did, make of that what you will.
So, after the death of Power Pack's original mentor, "Whitey" (NOT the best name), Kofi got in touch with the Power Pack to help the kids fight off an alien menace. Then they all"”oh come on, just LOOK at that! He is on this list because he looks so goshdarn ridiculous, in every way possible. Just bask in that image. BASK IN IT!!
When you aren't even the best known fictional character named "Krang", you know you have an issue with your brand recognition.
Marvel's Krang was a Namor villain, which might just add to the problems. Namor is the kind of guy who literally attempted to murder-drown New York City twice. If you're gonna be HIS villain, you really should try to be more evil than he is. Krang didn't do that. Krang just sort of tried to conquer Atlantis a bunch.
Also, he rocks a fishbowl helmet. Like Mysterio, only Krang somehow doesn't pull it off. Even when shirtless. And even with that sweet mustache. Huh, that seems impossible.
Krang's big breakout role was as a throwaway villain in the Marvel Ultimate Alliance video game. Which, I'll confess, is pretty much the only reason I know who Krang is.
That game was rad.
6. Lord Chaos
Lord Chaos is one of those big cosmic-with-a-capital-C characters that Marvel likes to trot out to prove the seriousness of a situation, similar to the Living Tribunal or Eternity.
The difference is that Lord Chaos is A GIANT GRUMPY SPACE FACE!!!!!
This makes me very happy.
Lord Chaos and his brother space face, Master Order, flit around the universe, righting the balance in the cosmos. According to Thanos, Lord Chaos is even more powerful than Galactus, despite not really showing it off. You'd think that all that power would cheer him up a bit, but noooooo, I guess nothing can turn that angry open-mouthed frown upside down.
Dude should at least make himself a body. But then he wouldn't be the giant grumpy space face we all know and love.
5. Machine Man
Aaron Stack, aka the Machine Man, aka X-51, is the originator of the phrase My robot brain needs beer, and for that we are eternally grateful.
Stack first appeared in the Marvel comic book 2001: A Space Odyssey #8. If you just made the Scooby-Doo confused noise, that's about the correct response. You see, back in the seventies, Marvel would often adapt movies into insane series that had very little to do with the movies themselves. Seriously, give those old Marvel Star Wars comics a read, they're crazy town.
Aaron Stack was eventually integrated into the Marvel Universe proper as a grumpy robot man, who hates things and brandishes a buzzsaw arm. This is the kind of character comics could use more of. He even had SHIELD build him a Life Model Decoy of former teammate Photon that would cry for him on cue. That is next level spite.
Plus, Stack has, thankfully, never totally abandoned his swimmer's cap and goggles look, nor his awesomely hilarious stretchy machine arms. X-51 keeps it old school.
Madcap is a goofy old Captain America villain who dresses funny. He has the power to make people act crazy, along with a healing factor.
Or, at least, that's what I WOULD say if I'd written this list a couple months ago. Thanks Gerry Duggan, for making this entry WAY more interesting.
Madcap resurfaced as part of a major retcon in the recent Deadpool Annual. The issue explained (and thankfully got rid of) the dual voices in Deadpool's head that were introduced in Daniel Way's long run on the character. Turns out, Deadpool and Madcap bumped into each other and got turned to ash by one of Thor's lightning bolts. When Deadpool healed up, he absorbed Madcap into him and just never really noticed, because Deadpool is Deadpool and Deadpool is a jerk.
Eventually, they were separated and Madcap decided to work with Wade on his new "Mercs of Money" venture. Except…it turned out that (spoilers) Madcap was actually just in it to disgrace and murder Deadpool. You see, after all that time as a voice in Wade's head, Madcap was driven violently insane.
Deadpool is kind of a terrible person, that's the appeal of the character, but if you spent four years trapped in his head seeing everything he did, you would probably also realize the logic in removing him from this planet for good.
Man, between Klaw and this dude, Black Panther villains are kinda lame, aren't they?
I mean, Man-Ape is such a low-level threat that Panther literally invited the dude to his wedding.
M'Baku was a Wakandan citizen and warrior, who plotted to take over the nation by allying himself with the White Gorilla Cult. He attacked, and failed when T'Challa kicked his butt. When the Panther left Wakanda to join the Avengers in America, M'Baku followed him there, and tried to pick another fight. You know, like a stalker.
This pattern continued, with Man-Ape chasing Black Panther all across the globe, picking fights that he promptly lost. Then he was killed by a multi-dimensional vampire who attacks animal themed characters. Comics, everybody!
From an Ape-themed guy to"¦A MONKEY MAN.
Jerome Beechman was born different, due to a horrible mutation. He gained a monkey-like appearance, along with the ability to exude mind-controlling pheromones, which enable him to "attract and enslave women", to quote the Handbook.
Excuse me, I've gotta go bathe my keyboard after typing that sentence. Jesus Christ, this dude should be Starfox's new arch-nemesis. WHY DOES MARVEL HAVE SO MANY VAGUELY RAPE-Y CHARACTERS? It's really unsettling.
Mandrill is also a hardcore misogynist, so that's just awe-some. He literally exudes ickiness at every turn. If you combined every single creepy aspect of every single creepy character I've ever talked about, you'd probably get Mandrill.
*Sigh*, how can a monkey man be this unfun to write about? I'm disappointed. But the next entry MORE THAN MAKES UP FOR IT OH MY GOD I'M SO EXCITED!
1. Master Pandemonium (with Baby Hands)
YES YES YES I GET TO WRITE ABOUT MASTER PANDEMONIUM! NOW THIS HAS ALL BEEN WORTH IT.
Master Pandemonium has baby hands.
No, not in the way you're thinking. I don't mean he has tiny, baby-sized hands like Donald Trump does. No. His hands ARE babies.
HIS HANDS ARE BABIES.
THIS IS WHY I LOVE COMIC BOOKS!!!!!!!
Sometimes his hands are demons too, but baby hands are better than demon hands, so that's what I'm going with. Master Pandemonium made a deal with the devil to get one of his limbs back. Unfortunately, because this is the devil (Mephisto, to be specific), Pandemonium wound up losing his other three limbs and a chunk of his chest. People really need to stop making deals with alternate dimensional devils. They have worked out for exactly zero people, ever.
So, MP decided to go across the globe to retrieve his limbs and the pieces of his soul that were attached to them. Two of those pieces had been reborn, in the forms of Scarlet Witch and the Vision's two kids, Billy and Tommy, so he re-assimilated them both into his body.
This gave him baby hands.
And also made him the single greatest Marvel Character of all time. I better see Babyhands McGee make a cameo in Avengers 3.
Guys, he has babies for hands. Why do I have to justify this any further?
And with that, I'll conclude this second edition of the weirdest Marvel characters of all time. If this does well enough, I'll keep making these, so give it a like or a share or whatever. Provided that you can still type with your newfound baby hands.